Saturday, Oct 27

An amazing thing- a weekend with no cake work. It's a bit unnerving- what does one do all day long?

Well, plenty to do- such as catch up on my studies and such- both an enjoyment and a chore.

Training has been spotty this past week. Partly due to work/time schedules, but to be honest I've been a little blue.
There is no legitimate reason why, just that I.... I think I want to be further down the road than I am now. There are some things plaguing my psyche such as finances (no cake work is delightful but then my bank account feels so neglected). I am contemplating moving out of Manhattan and retiring once and for all.

Part of me LOVES this idea. I am fortunate to have that option and another part of me does not want to give up my home. Something is going to need to change soon though-

So it's taking it's toll energetically. Not a good thing. I think also after 6 weeks of constantly thinking about food and exercise and weighing and logging everything, I need a break.

The scale is still so irritating, but the tape measure continues to shine. I am not so bound to the metal monster, but I also had hoped that I would be slimmer by now. My goal was my Bday, which is still 2 weeks away, but I was hoping to be kissing the 140's and I'm still in the upper 150's. I've got to let that go and for the most part I have- but when I start to get moody this starts to feel like a failure- Ah the evil demons have been whispering in my ear lately.

I am right on track really. I'm just impatient.

So on the list for this weekend is to work on some new foods for lunch and dinner. Shake things up a bit. I am also stepping up into the next phase of lifting.

I progress.

Friday, October 19

I've been busy lately, but life is good.

The after affect of working with Francisco had reverberating repercussions. I was so wasted for so long afterwards, that it started to freak me out. It rattled the fragility in me that I've been dealing with. I had to give over to my body because it was so tired and sore and beat up feeling. Oh, what misery did that stir up in me. This is interesting and a good lesson.

There is NO reason to be pushing so hard at my workouts that I feel so beat up. I don't care if it should lead to a bigger gain, it's not that important to me and I will not punish myself like that ever again. I need to respect, nurture and cultivate this relationship, not beat it into submission.

So my workouts are consistent as well as they can be. Even if I'm not feeling 100% I'll train anyway- if it's only for half an hour, or just a few moves and stretches- if it's on the slate to be moving this body around I will do so to whatever level is appropriate for that day.

The good news is my physique has really been changing quite dramatically. I am getting my waistline back again, I don't feel so puffy and my clothes are actually looking good on me again. The scale is still pretty stagnant, but honestly I could give a hoot. Not only this, but I feel that I am getting stronger and this is what I want. To look good and to feel better-

I've been a little less diligent about my diet, but only because I've been socializing lately. Dating, a dinner party, it's a little tricky- however, I am not sliding into the deep, and I don't have that tendency to "celebrate" and go overboard.

One of the best parts of my diet change is that I have broken my addiction to sugar, and now at this point the sweet that I put into my life is feeling too sweet. I put a short Tablespoon of agave in my coffee in the morning- it's just too sweet to me now. I put sweet and low in a coffee yesterday and it used to barely touch my sweet tooth and now it's too saccharine (pun intended). I find this fascinating.

Overall this diet is very livable. The heathly foods along with mindful eating are an easy and successful combination.

I think it is also very comfortable to not inforce goals on myself, either with the weight loss or the training. Part of me wants to put a race on the slate, but I know I'll just feel pressure and there is just no need for that.

So onward and upward and downward!

Sunday, Oct 14

It's a quiet morning. It's calm, and chilly and I am by myself. I love this solitude.

Friday's seem to be my bad day. I cry on Fridays. Perhaps because I am all alone with my thoughts in the kitchen. I hate making cake so much and this combination of outer dread and inner sadness are an explosive combo.

I berated myself a lot for feeling sad. I kept thinking- oh come one! Get over it! but I just couldn't. So, I stopped chiding myself and let it go. I started to think of it as an infected wound that needed to be drained. Let it out. Let it go. I can't pretend it's not there and it won't go away unless it's released. So I did.

To do this I just let myself cry. And then when I was done I told myself that it was safe and ok and that I would let myself do what ever it needed to do and it was good and necessary. After that I went for a run. It was a beautiful day- perfect and sunny and cool. The run was good. I am getting stronger. 30 mins of running, but more solid and true and less of a chore. There is more meditation in my running now, I don't have to push it so much. It'll still get better.

When I got back I got on the scale. I have not budged a bit in a week, in fact bounced up about half a pound. I know that this is unreasonable. I am eating well, very well, almost too well, and my exercise has been good and consistent. So I said a little prayer to myself. I first told my body to let go of what I was holding on to. I said it was okay to let go and release. I also said it also could do what it needed to do, but then I prayed to "god" and said this: I don't want to take control over this, I don't want to be in charge and be the boss of everything- but I gotta tell ya, getting some positive feedback from the scale really helps me- so if you could, I would appreciate a little satisfaction in this area.

Then I made a promise to myself to be good to myself. It's so funny, but I decided to treat myself like a lover. I would take myself out, give it music and culture, I would rest it, I would feed it good food and I would smile and like it- really really like it!

So yesterday after dropping off the cake on the Upper East Side- I went to get a cab home. I stood for about 15 mins in the beautiful sun trying to get a cab. While I was waiting I watched all these beautiful families, couples, all sorts of people out and enjoying the day. I started to think how amazing they all were. I started to think how I really love this city and how I loved living here. I didn't get antsy that I couldn't get a cab, I was enjoying all this, but I started to get chilly and then finally I decided to walk up and take a bus across town.

When I got to the west side I got off and saw a restaurant that I like. I thought about getting some early dinner, but the first things that popped up were that it was money I didn't need to spend and calories I couldn't afford. But then I thought- it's Saturday night! What kind of cheap date am I just to go back home and sit in my house? Besides, I had the calories to spend, and even if I went over a bit, live it up! I've been strictly dieting for a month- you can enjoy ONE DAY.

So I went in, had a glass of yummy Zinfandel, a beet/goat cheese salad and Tuna tartare. It was lovely and fun to be out. I didn't speak to anyone, but I was relaxed and enjoying myself.

When I got home I logged my foods- and to my amazment, I DIDN'T go over my count for the day, and was in fact still under!

And then this morning- I hopped on the scale and don't you know? I'm down 1.5#

I said out loud in a whisper- Thank you.

Thurs, Oct 11

Official wi today and no change in the scale- however my measurements are quite good!

Chest is 35.25, Waist is almost 31.5, and hips are 38.5- That's a half inch change in my chest and an INCH on my hips- and frankly I can feel it.

I did my first training session with Francisco yesterday. It's an interesting approach- 2 mins of super slow reps of continuous motion-no breaks in between. I was a complete noodle when I got out of there- it's been a long time since I've felt that way. I loved it- I loved pushing to my max.

I've been good about my diet too. I've been keeping very close to my nutrient percentages and definitely in my calorie allotment. Lowering my carb intake has made a huge difference in my energy level and hunger level. Adding more protein and fat into my diet is more satisfying and sustaining. By dinner I am not particularly hungry, so I eat what I feel and the rooting around for sweets is no more.

So all in all this is working. The change is coming from within- I feel better, mentally and physically and the changes to my physique are starting to evolve- I know that in the beginning it is a slow process, but the path is true and clearly marked. So onward I go!

I am impatient for the future, but excited about now.

October 5, 2007

Wow, so here I am a month after recommitting and I've only gained weight. That's a bummer.

Well, not quite right either. When I went off my thyroid med I gained an immediate 5#. This is not me. So at the pinnacle, I was 161.8. As of yesterday I am 159.4, so a 2# loss of honest fat.

The weight training will be my salvation, I'm sure of it.

The major difference between Sept 9 and now is my overall energy and strength. My stamina and abilities have more than doubled in these past weeks and my strength is amazing now. Certainly it's easy to make huge strides in the beginning- but hey! I'm making them!

Also, most importantly, is working out and training are a part of my daily life again. I am not afraid to workout and don't fear getting sick anymore. So if anything this is the real beginning.

Yesterday was a workout designed by Jonathan. It was much longer than what he prescribed for me and I can't say that I liked it at all. Too fractional, not comprehensive enough. But I did it for as long as I had time.

15 mins of elliptical
lunges, leg curls on ball, deadlifts, push ups, bench presses, flies
10 mins of spinning
lat pull downs, dips, back extention, crunches and stretching.

I need to think about what is best for me. How do I want to approach this. Why am I doing NROL and also jonathan? doesn't make sense.

Tuesday Oct 2

I put in a good workout yesterday. I did 30 mins on the elliptical, but I'm bumping up the intensity. I don't really want to do more cardio than that on the days I'm lifting. The 30 mins is perfect. I'm warm and burned a few cals.

Then on to lifting. Supersets of squats/cable rows, hip extension/pushups, rotating lunge/crunches on swiss ball. This is also a workout that I am pushing the edge just a little bit more. So no more going through the motions just to get the muscles used to the rhythm and flow of lifting, now into muscle work.

The trick for me is to push that edge at just the right intensity. There is a competitor within me that wants to max out and beyond every time. Pushing is good, overpushing- not so much.

So today I feel tired, not really sore, but my muscles are in recovery. I will take a rest today, or perhaps just do a gentle spin tonight just to burn some cals and improve cardio/vas.

My motivation has been high. It's not hard to do when there are results. I can't begin to say how wonderful it feels to get strong again.

This is in conjunction with the final blow of my relationship with Pond. I just have not completely realized how that relationship just did me in. The strain on my psyche, self esteem and overall energy was overwhelming. It's embarrassing really that I allowed such a thing- but then I was on a different page and couldn't get my brain to unwrap itself and see the truth- til now! In the past 3 years together I've gained 35#, wasted all that time, was hurt AGAIN by a man who is simply just not worth the salt of my tears.

The best news is that like all challenges, it has taught me an invaluable lesson. It has forced me to look at some of the weaknesses in myself that I've been submerging for far too long. As a result I have also made a shift in my work and lifestyle, gotten myself into school and pulled myself out of a lifelong depression.

Pond was the bottom. In my relationship with him I just completely bottomed out. I can't begin to say how grateful I am for that. Truly. I am not angry, or hurt or depressed anymore- I am simply on the right path now. Strong, true, honest and sure. I got involved and stayed with Pond because I needed to get to this point. It's not his fault he is who he is, it's my fault for expecting it to be anything different- and it's my choice to accept it or move on.

The shift in my eating has been interesting too. It's not "dieting", it's honoring this body. When I get hungry I look at food as something that is delicious and nutritious, and if it's not both of these things I'll either pass for something else, or wait until I can get to such a thing. I will not die of starvation if I have to wait an hour or two before I can get to fresh fruit, or unprocessed things. There is also the approach of mindful eating. As I eat something I ask myself, is it good? am I enjoying this? and have I had enough. That's not more than enough- it's enough. I leave my plate with 1/4 untouched, or the last bite of a sandwich uneaten- or if I'm hungry I'll eat it all! it's so simple really. Just relax and stop panicking.

Monday, Oct 1

It's been a hard couple of weeks with excessive work and studying. It has taught me (once again) that I just CANNOT continue to do that to myself. I am happy for the bump of cash, but I didn't do well on two exams and they physical impact was too great.

I gained about 5# at a time when I am devoted to losing. The stress is a killer for me. It translates into mindless snacking and too much sitting/recuperating rather than exercising.

So I've started a program of lifting as guided by the New Rules Of Lifting book. I like the book and his scientific approach to muscle physiology. It makes sense and I can see how the work would create muscle. It's a wonderful window of information. So two weeks of that and I'm enjoying it immensely.

The best shape of my life was when I was lifting. It was when I get into endurance sports did my body change for the worse. I over trained, I got beat up emotionally due to failure and I lost all that muscle that I had worked so hard to build.

So lesson learned, I need a better balance. I appreciate the all out devotion I put into marathon and triathlon, but it came at too high a price- that, and perhaps my perhaps not so smart approach too.

I have also taken an closer overview of my diet and have made some dramatic changes there too. My carb intake has just been too high. Even with great complex carbs it's just been too much. So a tweak in this and it has resulted in a loss. I will weigh in on Thursday and measure too.

I also went for a run this weekend which is the first in many months. It was slow going but it was steady and strong. I was able to keep my hr within a reasonable zone and I pulled off about 30 mins. Even better news is though I was a little tight the next day, I really felt quite good. So good! the work so far is paying off. It's still micro baby steps, but forward motion is forward motion.

still more tweaking to come, but this has been a gentle and positive progression.

Tuedsay weigh in Sept 18

The scale was not as generous as I would like, I am back up to 158.6. I am not upset about this at all. I didn't eat all that well this past weekend, but I didn't eat badly enough to gain 2#, so I will chalk it up to fluid retention due to my increased workouts.

I also measured myself and will post the stats in my profile. I will be monitoring these with more interest than the scale. The scale is just an indicator of how heavy I am, not how great my improvements are.

Monday, Sept 17

And so begins another week. I didn't train over the weekend, too much going on and logistically impossible. That really shouldn't happen, but it did. So that's something to think about and work on. My eating was pretty good, not stellar, but not completely down the tubes. I felt good about it- not overwhelmed or terrified of calories. Honestly, there was too much drinking. THAT has to stop.

I got my hands on The New Rules of Lifting. A great book and one I intend to employ in my workouts. Lifting is the thing. For the intense amount of time, the benefits are extremely great. Nonetheless, it's all very good.

Tomorrow I weigh in and I'll meaure myself too. I wore jeans this weekend which have looked better in the past, but they were comfortable to wear- so I'll take that.

Weds morning 9/12

I am keeping pretty well on track here. It's an adjustment. The temptation for sugar is great. When my days are long and hard as school the vending machine calls to me. Yesterday I decided to succumb. To my initial frustration and ultimate delight, the machine would not take my money- so instead I took the stairs. The craving quickly subsided and I could forget about it.

This is sort of how things have been going lately- getting pulled back from the brink. Close is close, as long as I don't trip over the line. Though all in all things are not bad. It helps that it's harvest time and the fruits and vegetables are looking so amazing. It's the dreary oatmeal winters that are hard.

This morning was 40 mins on the bike/trainer. I should really have gone for a run but I'm still afraid. I want to build up some more strength and cardio before I head out there. I miss it. My lab classes look over the WSide Hwy and the path that I love to run. It's a good daily reminder of where I want to go.

The scale was not so kind yesterday, but I've got my excuses. Salty meals, TOM etc. Whatever- my pants were a tad looser yesterday, so whatever. It feels good to be getting stronger, to be good to myself. I sometimes think of myself as an empty vessel and I've lifted the lid off my head. Into my body I am pouring all this goodness, including the education. Food for the body, mind and soul.

some yoga thoughts

The mantra this morning is revelling. I did my yoga practice and was pretty tight. It's been a couple of weeks since I've done it so I shouldn't be surprised. As I was stretching and lunging, I started to feel unhappy with myself for not being in better shape.
"Ugh, this is not good, I should be looser than this and much stronger, how could I let this go for so long?" blah blah blah. As I was in a cross legged stretch I started to let that go. Instead I thought about how my muscles were lengthening at that moment, how this practice was so good for me and how I was being so good to myself. Instead of grousing and feeling badly I just enjoyed and honored how good things are. For that I am grateful.

This is the mantra I need to carry with me every day. It is not the past, it is not the ultimate future- it is the now. This beautiful morning, this yoga pose, this luscious ripe tomato. Whatever it is. I can't manipulate anything other than this moment and how I perceive it.

So I got my yoga in today, later between classes I will do some cardio. I have a 2.5 hr break and it's good for me not only to get out of the building (which these days is air conditioned to freezer levels), but to also get blood flowing after sitting for so long and for having to sit for another 2.5 hr lecture after.

I also got to thinking about success and how important that is. It was difficult to constantly face disappointments when I was sick. Again and again and again and again. So now the successes are vital. No matter how large or small I need yes and yes and yes! It's so silly really, almost juvenile, but then again, the honest truth. Fragile ego or not, I can't move forward without it.

Sept 9, 2007- the very beginning

What was once shall be again and better.

I am solidily back on the road to recovery. I made a promise to myself and Jonathan to be diligent and consistant, while honoring what I need to do for my body and my mind.

The first thing was overcoming the fear of getting sick again. This has been no small thing for me. As a person who has always had boundless strength and energy it was devastating to get sick and lose that power. The physical difficulties of not being able to get through a few hours of work was one thing, but the emotional impact of not trusting my body and being so afraid of it was horrifyingly traumatic. It has been horrible living with this demon that I cannot escape.

Over the weeks and months I helplessly watched my strength ebb and my body shift from being lean and strong to getting weak and quite overweight. By the time I could stop the backslide I had gained 34# and lost all cardio and all strength- all this in a less than a year, about 9 months or so.The doctors told me I was fine and to go home, patting me on the head. "You don't HAVE to run marathons or triathlons you know". Oh how wrong could they be.

So that was a couple of years ago, and it's taken me to now to finally get my feet solidly back on the ground, physically and emotionally, to rebuild.

The progression will be slow. It has to be. It pains me to mince my way through a workout, but I know that there is no other way. Not only do I need to nurture this frail body, but also rebuild my trust in my own physical self.

Yoga and meditation have been a huge help. This I need to do more of. Time time time... the culprit and the salvation.

Much has been done in the past two years to recreate my work and lifestyle to accommodate a more healthy existance. I have scaled back my work as far as I can go and still keep the lights on. Though scarey financially at first, nothing has been more satisfying. If I had my druthers I would never bake another cake again- but balance is the key- and always has been.

SO- here I go- not to get too bogged down in the history- the story is NOW and forward!

I have started out by promising myself little things. The first thing is to be kind to myself. Sounds simple enough, but endurance athletes do not really have this phrase in their vocabulary. It started out this Summer, just being kind in the basic simple ways. Quality food, quality sleep, quality fun etc. Ultimately this lead to the end of my relationship with Pond- and as sad as that was- it has been a super healthy thing, for both of us.

So now I am trusting myself more to be kind. It was hard at first not to go to the gym and wallop myself with a killer workout. This proved disasterous on two levels. One physically- I was so out of shape and sore! and Two, so depressing.

But perseverance with finding the kind balance is key. Ha ha- so many search for motivation to get out and train, for me it is finding peace with not over training.

So today- 60 minute spin class with Wil. I was not able to keep up with the class entirely. I am training with my hrm these days and trying to keep it within reasonable levels while I rebuild my CV system. It's coming along, I used to be worse. I am feeling less like a fraud and more like an athlete. My mental state is that of one. This might not be the scenic route, but this is the road back and there is no detour. I am sucking up my pride and keeping my head down and focused.

My other goal is to lose this weight. Now that I am studying nutrition there is no excuse. I have put myself on my own plan and so far so good. The basic plan is wholesome natural foods as much as possible. Diet soda once or twice a week- eating only when hungry and only to satisfaction. This also means that I allow myself treats when I desire them- but within moderation and as healthy as possible. There is no out and out restriction and so no feeling of deprivation- this is about treating my body with dignity and honor, not punishing it by saying no. The other thing is I am focusing on losing just 1# a week or so. No push for anything greater than that. If I can stick to this plan/lifestyle, in due time I will be the best, healthiest, strongest woman I've ever been. I am in the process of becoming- and as I keep treating myself with these healthy elements, form will eventually follow function.

This morning I weighed in at 156.8- I started at 158.8 and this is week two- right on track. I need to get in 30 mins minimum of cardio 5-7 days, more like 60 mins. Also strength training and/or yoga. If I was smart I would do yoga first thing, before getting on the computer and wasting time. I am going to try and incorporate that into my schedule. I am learning to prioritize my life- work does NOT come first- I do. Oh is that a tough one...