Sunday, Oct 14

It's a quiet morning. It's calm, and chilly and I am by myself. I love this solitude.

Friday's seem to be my bad day. I cry on Fridays. Perhaps because I am all alone with my thoughts in the kitchen. I hate making cake so much and this combination of outer dread and inner sadness are an explosive combo.

I berated myself a lot for feeling sad. I kept thinking- oh come one! Get over it! but I just couldn't. So, I stopped chiding myself and let it go. I started to think of it as an infected wound that needed to be drained. Let it out. Let it go. I can't pretend it's not there and it won't go away unless it's released. So I did.

To do this I just let myself cry. And then when I was done I told myself that it was safe and ok and that I would let myself do what ever it needed to do and it was good and necessary. After that I went for a run. It was a beautiful day- perfect and sunny and cool. The run was good. I am getting stronger. 30 mins of running, but more solid and true and less of a chore. There is more meditation in my running now, I don't have to push it so much. It'll still get better.

When I got back I got on the scale. I have not budged a bit in a week, in fact bounced up about half a pound. I know that this is unreasonable. I am eating well, very well, almost too well, and my exercise has been good and consistent. So I said a little prayer to myself. I first told my body to let go of what I was holding on to. I said it was okay to let go and release. I also said it also could do what it needed to do, but then I prayed to "god" and said this: I don't want to take control over this, I don't want to be in charge and be the boss of everything- but I gotta tell ya, getting some positive feedback from the scale really helps me- so if you could, I would appreciate a little satisfaction in this area.

Then I made a promise to myself to be good to myself. It's so funny, but I decided to treat myself like a lover. I would take myself out, give it music and culture, I would rest it, I would feed it good food and I would smile and like it- really really like it!

So yesterday after dropping off the cake on the Upper East Side- I went to get a cab home. I stood for about 15 mins in the beautiful sun trying to get a cab. While I was waiting I watched all these beautiful families, couples, all sorts of people out and enjoying the day. I started to think how amazing they all were. I started to think how I really love this city and how I loved living here. I didn't get antsy that I couldn't get a cab, I was enjoying all this, but I started to get chilly and then finally I decided to walk up and take a bus across town.

When I got to the west side I got off and saw a restaurant that I like. I thought about getting some early dinner, but the first things that popped up were that it was money I didn't need to spend and calories I couldn't afford. But then I thought- it's Saturday night! What kind of cheap date am I just to go back home and sit in my house? Besides, I had the calories to spend, and even if I went over a bit, live it up! I've been strictly dieting for a month- you can enjoy ONE DAY.

So I went in, had a glass of yummy Zinfandel, a beet/goat cheese salad and Tuna tartare. It was lovely and fun to be out. I didn't speak to anyone, but I was relaxed and enjoying myself.

When I got home I logged my foods- and to my amazment, I DIDN'T go over my count for the day, and was in fact still under!

And then this morning- I hopped on the scale and don't you know? I'm down 1.5#

I said out loud in a whisper- Thank you.