Tuesday Oct 2

I put in a good workout yesterday. I did 30 mins on the elliptical, but I'm bumping up the intensity. I don't really want to do more cardio than that on the days I'm lifting. The 30 mins is perfect. I'm warm and burned a few cals.

Then on to lifting. Supersets of squats/cable rows, hip extension/pushups, rotating lunge/crunches on swiss ball. This is also a workout that I am pushing the edge just a little bit more. So no more going through the motions just to get the muscles used to the rhythm and flow of lifting, now into muscle work.

The trick for me is to push that edge at just the right intensity. There is a competitor within me that wants to max out and beyond every time. Pushing is good, overpushing- not so much.

So today I feel tired, not really sore, but my muscles are in recovery. I will take a rest today, or perhaps just do a gentle spin tonight just to burn some cals and improve cardio/vas.

My motivation has been high. It's not hard to do when there are results. I can't begin to say how wonderful it feels to get strong again.

This is in conjunction with the final blow of my relationship with Pond. I just have not completely realized how that relationship just did me in. The strain on my psyche, self esteem and overall energy was overwhelming. It's embarrassing really that I allowed such a thing- but then I was on a different page and couldn't get my brain to unwrap itself and see the truth- til now! In the past 3 years together I've gained 35#, wasted all that time, was hurt AGAIN by a man who is simply just not worth the salt of my tears.

The best news is that like all challenges, it has taught me an invaluable lesson. It has forced me to look at some of the weaknesses in myself that I've been submerging for far too long. As a result I have also made a shift in my work and lifestyle, gotten myself into school and pulled myself out of a lifelong depression.

Pond was the bottom. In my relationship with him I just completely bottomed out. I can't begin to say how grateful I am for that. Truly. I am not angry, or hurt or depressed anymore- I am simply on the right path now. Strong, true, honest and sure. I got involved and stayed with Pond because I needed to get to this point. It's not his fault he is who he is, it's my fault for expecting it to be anything different- and it's my choice to accept it or move on.

The shift in my eating has been interesting too. It's not "dieting", it's honoring this body. When I get hungry I look at food as something that is delicious and nutritious, and if it's not both of these things I'll either pass for something else, or wait until I can get to such a thing. I will not die of starvation if I have to wait an hour or two before I can get to fresh fruit, or unprocessed things. There is also the approach of mindful eating. As I eat something I ask myself, is it good? am I enjoying this? and have I had enough. That's not more than enough- it's enough. I leave my plate with 1/4 untouched, or the last bite of a sandwich uneaten- or if I'm hungry I'll eat it all! it's so simple really. Just relax and stop panicking.