An amazing thing- a weekend with no cake work. It's a bit unnerving- what does one do all day long?
Well, plenty to do- such as catch up on my studies and such- both an enjoyment and a chore.
Training has been spotty this past week. Partly due to work/time schedules, but to be honest I've been a little blue.
There is no legitimate reason why, just that I.... I think I want to be further down the road than I am now. There are some things plaguing my psyche such as finances (no cake work is delightful but then my bank account feels so neglected). I am contemplating moving out of Manhattan and retiring once and for all.
Part of me LOVES this idea. I am fortunate to have that option and another part of me does not want to give up my home. Something is going to need to change soon though-
So it's taking it's toll energetically. Not a good thing. I think also after 6 weeks of constantly thinking about food and exercise and weighing and logging everything, I need a break.
The scale is still so irritating, but the tape measure continues to shine. I am not so bound to the metal monster, but I also had hoped that I would be slimmer by now. My goal was my Bday, which is still 2 weeks away, but I was hoping to be kissing the 140's and I'm still in the upper 150's. I've got to let that go and for the most part I have- but when I start to get moody this starts to feel like a failure- Ah the evil demons have been whispering in my ear lately.
I am right on track really. I'm just impatient.
So on the list for this weekend is to work on some new foods for lunch and dinner. Shake things up a bit. I am also stepping up into the next phase of lifting.
I progress.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Friday, October 19, 2007
Friday, October 19
I've been busy lately, but life is good.
The after affect of working with Francisco had reverberating repercussions. I was so wasted for so long afterwards, that it started to freak me out. It rattled the fragility in me that I've been dealing with. I had to give over to my body because it was so tired and sore and beat up feeling. Oh, what misery did that stir up in me. This is interesting and a good lesson.
There is NO reason to be pushing so hard at my workouts that I feel so beat up. I don't care if it should lead to a bigger gain, it's not that important to me and I will not punish myself like that ever again. I need to respect, nurture and cultivate this relationship, not beat it into submission.
So my workouts are consistent as well as they can be. Even if I'm not feeling 100% I'll train anyway- if it's only for half an hour, or just a few moves and stretches- if it's on the slate to be moving this body around I will do so to whatever level is appropriate for that day.
The good news is my physique has really been changing quite dramatically. I am getting my waistline back again, I don't feel so puffy and my clothes are actually looking good on me again. The scale is still pretty stagnant, but honestly I could give a hoot. Not only this, but I feel that I am getting stronger and this is what I want. To look good and to feel better-
I've been a little less diligent about my diet, but only because I've been socializing lately. Dating, a dinner party, it's a little tricky- however, I am not sliding into the deep, and I don't have that tendency to "celebrate" and go overboard.
One of the best parts of my diet change is that I have broken my addiction to sugar, and now at this point the sweet that I put into my life is feeling too sweet. I put a short Tablespoon of agave in my coffee in the morning- it's just too sweet to me now. I put sweet and low in a coffee yesterday and it used to barely touch my sweet tooth and now it's too saccharine (pun intended). I find this fascinating.
Overall this diet is very livable. The heathly foods along with mindful eating are an easy and successful combination.
I think it is also very comfortable to not inforce goals on myself, either with the weight loss or the training. Part of me wants to put a race on the slate, but I know I'll just feel pressure and there is just no need for that.
So onward and upward and downward!
The after affect of working with Francisco had reverberating repercussions. I was so wasted for so long afterwards, that it started to freak me out. It rattled the fragility in me that I've been dealing with. I had to give over to my body because it was so tired and sore and beat up feeling. Oh, what misery did that stir up in me. This is interesting and a good lesson.
There is NO reason to be pushing so hard at my workouts that I feel so beat up. I don't care if it should lead to a bigger gain, it's not that important to me and I will not punish myself like that ever again. I need to respect, nurture and cultivate this relationship, not beat it into submission.
So my workouts are consistent as well as they can be. Even if I'm not feeling 100% I'll train anyway- if it's only for half an hour, or just a few moves and stretches- if it's on the slate to be moving this body around I will do so to whatever level is appropriate for that day.
The good news is my physique has really been changing quite dramatically. I am getting my waistline back again, I don't feel so puffy and my clothes are actually looking good on me again. The scale is still pretty stagnant, but honestly I could give a hoot. Not only this, but I feel that I am getting stronger and this is what I want. To look good and to feel better-
I've been a little less diligent about my diet, but only because I've been socializing lately. Dating, a dinner party, it's a little tricky- however, I am not sliding into the deep, and I don't have that tendency to "celebrate" and go overboard.
One of the best parts of my diet change is that I have broken my addiction to sugar, and now at this point the sweet that I put into my life is feeling too sweet. I put a short Tablespoon of agave in my coffee in the morning- it's just too sweet to me now. I put sweet and low in a coffee yesterday and it used to barely touch my sweet tooth and now it's too saccharine (pun intended). I find this fascinating.
Overall this diet is very livable. The heathly foods along with mindful eating are an easy and successful combination.
I think it is also very comfortable to not inforce goals on myself, either with the weight loss or the training. Part of me wants to put a race on the slate, but I know I'll just feel pressure and there is just no need for that.
So onward and upward and downward!
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Sunday, Oct 14
It's a quiet morning. It's calm, and chilly and I am by myself. I love this solitude.
Friday's seem to be my bad day. I cry on Fridays. Perhaps because I am all alone with my thoughts in the kitchen. I hate making cake so much and this combination of outer dread and inner sadness are an explosive combo.
I berated myself a lot for feeling sad. I kept thinking- oh come one! Get over it! but I just couldn't. So, I stopped chiding myself and let it go. I started to think of it as an infected wound that needed to be drained. Let it out. Let it go. I can't pretend it's not there and it won't go away unless it's released. So I did.
To do this I just let myself cry. And then when I was done I told myself that it was safe and ok and that I would let myself do what ever it needed to do and it was good and necessary. After that I went for a run. It was a beautiful day- perfect and sunny and cool. The run was good. I am getting stronger. 30 mins of running, but more solid and true and less of a chore. There is more meditation in my running now, I don't have to push it so much. It'll still get better.
When I got back I got on the scale. I have not budged a bit in a week, in fact bounced up about half a pound. I know that this is unreasonable. I am eating well, very well, almost too well, and my exercise has been good and consistent. So I said a little prayer to myself. I first told my body to let go of what I was holding on to. I said it was okay to let go and release. I also said it also could do what it needed to do, but then I prayed to "god" and said this: I don't want to take control over this, I don't want to be in charge and be the boss of everything- but I gotta tell ya, getting some positive feedback from the scale really helps me- so if you could, I would appreciate a little satisfaction in this area.
Then I made a promise to myself to be good to myself. It's so funny, but I decided to treat myself like a lover. I would take myself out, give it music and culture, I would rest it, I would feed it good food and I would smile and like it- really really like it!
So yesterday after dropping off the cake on the Upper East Side- I went to get a cab home. I stood for about 15 mins in the beautiful sun trying to get a cab. While I was waiting I watched all these beautiful families, couples, all sorts of people out and enjoying the day. I started to think how amazing they all were. I started to think how I really love this city and how I loved living here. I didn't get antsy that I couldn't get a cab, I was enjoying all this, but I started to get chilly and then finally I decided to walk up and take a bus across town.
When I got to the west side I got off and saw a restaurant that I like. I thought about getting some early dinner, but the first things that popped up were that it was money I didn't need to spend and calories I couldn't afford. But then I thought- it's Saturday night! What kind of cheap date am I just to go back home and sit in my house? Besides, I had the calories to spend, and even if I went over a bit, live it up! I've been strictly dieting for a month- you can enjoy ONE DAY.
So I went in, had a glass of yummy Zinfandel, a beet/goat cheese salad and Tuna tartare. It was lovely and fun to be out. I didn't speak to anyone, but I was relaxed and enjoying myself.
When I got home I logged my foods- and to my amazment, I DIDN'T go over my count for the day, and was in fact still under!
And then this morning- I hopped on the scale and don't you know? I'm down 1.5#
I said out loud in a whisper- Thank you.
Friday's seem to be my bad day. I cry on Fridays. Perhaps because I am all alone with my thoughts in the kitchen. I hate making cake so much and this combination of outer dread and inner sadness are an explosive combo.
I berated myself a lot for feeling sad. I kept thinking- oh come one! Get over it! but I just couldn't. So, I stopped chiding myself and let it go. I started to think of it as an infected wound that needed to be drained. Let it out. Let it go. I can't pretend it's not there and it won't go away unless it's released. So I did.
To do this I just let myself cry. And then when I was done I told myself that it was safe and ok and that I would let myself do what ever it needed to do and it was good and necessary. After that I went for a run. It was a beautiful day- perfect and sunny and cool. The run was good. I am getting stronger. 30 mins of running, but more solid and true and less of a chore. There is more meditation in my running now, I don't have to push it so much. It'll still get better.
When I got back I got on the scale. I have not budged a bit in a week, in fact bounced up about half a pound. I know that this is unreasonable. I am eating well, very well, almost too well, and my exercise has been good and consistent. So I said a little prayer to myself. I first told my body to let go of what I was holding on to. I said it was okay to let go and release. I also said it also could do what it needed to do, but then I prayed to "god" and said this: I don't want to take control over this, I don't want to be in charge and be the boss of everything- but I gotta tell ya, getting some positive feedback from the scale really helps me- so if you could, I would appreciate a little satisfaction in this area.
Then I made a promise to myself to be good to myself. It's so funny, but I decided to treat myself like a lover. I would take myself out, give it music and culture, I would rest it, I would feed it good food and I would smile and like it- really really like it!
So yesterday after dropping off the cake on the Upper East Side- I went to get a cab home. I stood for about 15 mins in the beautiful sun trying to get a cab. While I was waiting I watched all these beautiful families, couples, all sorts of people out and enjoying the day. I started to think how amazing they all were. I started to think how I really love this city and how I loved living here. I didn't get antsy that I couldn't get a cab, I was enjoying all this, but I started to get chilly and then finally I decided to walk up and take a bus across town.
When I got to the west side I got off and saw a restaurant that I like. I thought about getting some early dinner, but the first things that popped up were that it was money I didn't need to spend and calories I couldn't afford. But then I thought- it's Saturday night! What kind of cheap date am I just to go back home and sit in my house? Besides, I had the calories to spend, and even if I went over a bit, live it up! I've been strictly dieting for a month- you can enjoy ONE DAY.
So I went in, had a glass of yummy Zinfandel, a beet/goat cheese salad and Tuna tartare. It was lovely and fun to be out. I didn't speak to anyone, but I was relaxed and enjoying myself.
When I got home I logged my foods- and to my amazment, I DIDN'T go over my count for the day, and was in fact still under!
And then this morning- I hopped on the scale and don't you know? I'm down 1.5#
I said out loud in a whisper- Thank you.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Thurs, Oct 11
Official wi today and no change in the scale- however my measurements are quite good!
Chest is 35.25, Waist is almost 31.5, and hips are 38.5- That's a half inch change in my chest and an INCH on my hips- and frankly I can feel it.
I did my first training session with Francisco yesterday. It's an interesting approach- 2 mins of super slow reps of continuous motion-no breaks in between. I was a complete noodle when I got out of there- it's been a long time since I've felt that way. I loved it- I loved pushing to my max.
I've been good about my diet too. I've been keeping very close to my nutrient percentages and definitely in my calorie allotment. Lowering my carb intake has made a huge difference in my energy level and hunger level. Adding more protein and fat into my diet is more satisfying and sustaining. By dinner I am not particularly hungry, so I eat what I feel and the rooting around for sweets is no more.
So all in all this is working. The change is coming from within- I feel better, mentally and physically and the changes to my physique are starting to evolve- I know that in the beginning it is a slow process, but the path is true and clearly marked. So onward I go!
I am impatient for the future, but excited about now.
Chest is 35.25, Waist is almost 31.5, and hips are 38.5- That's a half inch change in my chest and an INCH on my hips- and frankly I can feel it.
I did my first training session with Francisco yesterday. It's an interesting approach- 2 mins of super slow reps of continuous motion-no breaks in between. I was a complete noodle when I got out of there- it's been a long time since I've felt that way. I loved it- I loved pushing to my max.
I've been good about my diet too. I've been keeping very close to my nutrient percentages and definitely in my calorie allotment. Lowering my carb intake has made a huge difference in my energy level and hunger level. Adding more protein and fat into my diet is more satisfying and sustaining. By dinner I am not particularly hungry, so I eat what I feel and the rooting around for sweets is no more.
So all in all this is working. The change is coming from within- I feel better, mentally and physically and the changes to my physique are starting to evolve- I know that in the beginning it is a slow process, but the path is true and clearly marked. So onward I go!
I am impatient for the future, but excited about now.
Friday, October 5, 2007
October 5, 2007
Wow, so here I am a month after recommitting and I've only gained weight. That's a bummer.
Well, not quite right either. When I went off my thyroid med I gained an immediate 5#. This is not me. So at the pinnacle, I was 161.8. As of yesterday I am 159.4, so a 2# loss of honest fat.
The weight training will be my salvation, I'm sure of it.
The major difference between Sept 9 and now is my overall energy and strength. My stamina and abilities have more than doubled in these past weeks and my strength is amazing now. Certainly it's easy to make huge strides in the beginning- but hey! I'm making them!
Also, most importantly, is working out and training are a part of my daily life again. I am not afraid to workout and don't fear getting sick anymore. So if anything this is the real beginning.
Yesterday was a workout designed by Jonathan. It was much longer than what he prescribed for me and I can't say that I liked it at all. Too fractional, not comprehensive enough. But I did it for as long as I had time.
15 mins of elliptical
lunges, leg curls on ball, deadlifts, push ups, bench presses, flies
10 mins of spinning
lat pull downs, dips, back extention, crunches and stretching.
I need to think about what is best for me. How do I want to approach this. Why am I doing NROL and also jonathan? doesn't make sense.
Well, not quite right either. When I went off my thyroid med I gained an immediate 5#. This is not me. So at the pinnacle, I was 161.8. As of yesterday I am 159.4, so a 2# loss of honest fat.
The weight training will be my salvation, I'm sure of it.
The major difference between Sept 9 and now is my overall energy and strength. My stamina and abilities have more than doubled in these past weeks and my strength is amazing now. Certainly it's easy to make huge strides in the beginning- but hey! I'm making them!
Also, most importantly, is working out and training are a part of my daily life again. I am not afraid to workout and don't fear getting sick anymore. So if anything this is the real beginning.
Yesterday was a workout designed by Jonathan. It was much longer than what he prescribed for me and I can't say that I liked it at all. Too fractional, not comprehensive enough. But I did it for as long as I had time.
15 mins of elliptical
lunges, leg curls on ball, deadlifts, push ups, bench presses, flies
10 mins of spinning
lat pull downs, dips, back extention, crunches and stretching.
I need to think about what is best for me. How do I want to approach this. Why am I doing NROL and also jonathan? doesn't make sense.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Tuesday Oct 2
I put in a good workout yesterday. I did 30 mins on the elliptical, but I'm bumping up the intensity. I don't really want to do more cardio than that on the days I'm lifting. The 30 mins is perfect. I'm warm and burned a few cals.
Then on to lifting. Supersets of squats/cable rows, hip extension/pushups, rotating lunge/crunches on swiss ball. This is also a workout that I am pushing the edge just a little bit more. So no more going through the motions just to get the muscles used to the rhythm and flow of lifting, now into muscle work.
The trick for me is to push that edge at just the right intensity. There is a competitor within me that wants to max out and beyond every time. Pushing is good, overpushing- not so much.
So today I feel tired, not really sore, but my muscles are in recovery. I will take a rest today, or perhaps just do a gentle spin tonight just to burn some cals and improve cardio/vas.
My motivation has been high. It's not hard to do when there are results. I can't begin to say how wonderful it feels to get strong again.
This is in conjunction with the final blow of my relationship with Pond. I just have not completely realized how that relationship just did me in. The strain on my psyche, self esteem and overall energy was overwhelming. It's embarrassing really that I allowed such a thing- but then I was on a different page and couldn't get my brain to unwrap itself and see the truth- til now! In the past 3 years together I've gained 35#, wasted all that time, was hurt AGAIN by a man who is simply just not worth the salt of my tears.
The best news is that like all challenges, it has taught me an invaluable lesson. It has forced me to look at some of the weaknesses in myself that I've been submerging for far too long. As a result I have also made a shift in my work and lifestyle, gotten myself into school and pulled myself out of a lifelong depression.
Pond was the bottom. In my relationship with him I just completely bottomed out. I can't begin to say how grateful I am for that. Truly. I am not angry, or hurt or depressed anymore- I am simply on the right path now. Strong, true, honest and sure. I got involved and stayed with Pond because I needed to get to this point. It's not his fault he is who he is, it's my fault for expecting it to be anything different- and it's my choice to accept it or move on.
The shift in my eating has been interesting too. It's not "dieting", it's honoring this body. When I get hungry I look at food as something that is delicious and nutritious, and if it's not both of these things I'll either pass for something else, or wait until I can get to such a thing. I will not die of starvation if I have to wait an hour or two before I can get to fresh fruit, or unprocessed things. There is also the approach of mindful eating. As I eat something I ask myself, is it good? am I enjoying this? and have I had enough. That's not more than enough- it's enough. I leave my plate with 1/4 untouched, or the last bite of a sandwich uneaten- or if I'm hungry I'll eat it all! it's so simple really. Just relax and stop panicking.
Then on to lifting. Supersets of squats/cable rows, hip extension/pushups, rotating lunge/crunches on swiss ball. This is also a workout that I am pushing the edge just a little bit more. So no more going through the motions just to get the muscles used to the rhythm and flow of lifting, now into muscle work.
The trick for me is to push that edge at just the right intensity. There is a competitor within me that wants to max out and beyond every time. Pushing is good, overpushing- not so much.
So today I feel tired, not really sore, but my muscles are in recovery. I will take a rest today, or perhaps just do a gentle spin tonight just to burn some cals and improve cardio/vas.
My motivation has been high. It's not hard to do when there are results. I can't begin to say how wonderful it feels to get strong again.
This is in conjunction with the final blow of my relationship with Pond. I just have not completely realized how that relationship just did me in. The strain on my psyche, self esteem and overall energy was overwhelming. It's embarrassing really that I allowed such a thing- but then I was on a different page and couldn't get my brain to unwrap itself and see the truth- til now! In the past 3 years together I've gained 35#, wasted all that time, was hurt AGAIN by a man who is simply just not worth the salt of my tears.
The best news is that like all challenges, it has taught me an invaluable lesson. It has forced me to look at some of the weaknesses in myself that I've been submerging for far too long. As a result I have also made a shift in my work and lifestyle, gotten myself into school and pulled myself out of a lifelong depression.
Pond was the bottom. In my relationship with him I just completely bottomed out. I can't begin to say how grateful I am for that. Truly. I am not angry, or hurt or depressed anymore- I am simply on the right path now. Strong, true, honest and sure. I got involved and stayed with Pond because I needed to get to this point. It's not his fault he is who he is, it's my fault for expecting it to be anything different- and it's my choice to accept it or move on.
The shift in my eating has been interesting too. It's not "dieting", it's honoring this body. When I get hungry I look at food as something that is delicious and nutritious, and if it's not both of these things I'll either pass for something else, or wait until I can get to such a thing. I will not die of starvation if I have to wait an hour or two before I can get to fresh fruit, or unprocessed things. There is also the approach of mindful eating. As I eat something I ask myself, is it good? am I enjoying this? and have I had enough. That's not more than enough- it's enough. I leave my plate with 1/4 untouched, or the last bite of a sandwich uneaten- or if I'm hungry I'll eat it all! it's so simple really. Just relax and stop panicking.
Monday, October 1, 2007
Monday, Oct 1
It's been a hard couple of weeks with excessive work and studying. It has taught me (once again) that I just CANNOT continue to do that to myself. I am happy for the bump of cash, but I didn't do well on two exams and they physical impact was too great.
I gained about 5# at a time when I am devoted to losing. The stress is a killer for me. It translates into mindless snacking and too much sitting/recuperating rather than exercising.
So I've started a program of lifting as guided by the New Rules Of Lifting book. I like the book and his scientific approach to muscle physiology. It makes sense and I can see how the work would create muscle. It's a wonderful window of information. So two weeks of that and I'm enjoying it immensely.
The best shape of my life was when I was lifting. It was when I get into endurance sports did my body change for the worse. I over trained, I got beat up emotionally due to failure and I lost all that muscle that I had worked so hard to build.
So lesson learned, I need a better balance. I appreciate the all out devotion I put into marathon and triathlon, but it came at too high a price- that, and perhaps my perhaps not so smart approach too.
I have also taken an closer overview of my diet and have made some dramatic changes there too. My carb intake has just been too high. Even with great complex carbs it's just been too much. So a tweak in this and it has resulted in a loss. I will weigh in on Thursday and measure too.
I also went for a run this weekend which is the first in many months. It was slow going but it was steady and strong. I was able to keep my hr within a reasonable zone and I pulled off about 30 mins. Even better news is though I was a little tight the next day, I really felt quite good. So good! the work so far is paying off. It's still micro baby steps, but forward motion is forward motion.
still more tweaking to come, but this has been a gentle and positive progression.
I gained about 5# at a time when I am devoted to losing. The stress is a killer for me. It translates into mindless snacking and too much sitting/recuperating rather than exercising.
So I've started a program of lifting as guided by the New Rules Of Lifting book. I like the book and his scientific approach to muscle physiology. It makes sense and I can see how the work would create muscle. It's a wonderful window of information. So two weeks of that and I'm enjoying it immensely.
The best shape of my life was when I was lifting. It was when I get into endurance sports did my body change for the worse. I over trained, I got beat up emotionally due to failure and I lost all that muscle that I had worked so hard to build.
So lesson learned, I need a better balance. I appreciate the all out devotion I put into marathon and triathlon, but it came at too high a price- that, and perhaps my perhaps not so smart approach too.
I have also taken an closer overview of my diet and have made some dramatic changes there too. My carb intake has just been too high. Even with great complex carbs it's just been too much. So a tweak in this and it has resulted in a loss. I will weigh in on Thursday and measure too.
I also went for a run this weekend which is the first in many months. It was slow going but it was steady and strong. I was able to keep my hr within a reasonable zone and I pulled off about 30 mins. Even better news is though I was a little tight the next day, I really felt quite good. So good! the work so far is paying off. It's still micro baby steps, but forward motion is forward motion.
still more tweaking to come, but this has been a gentle and positive progression.
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