Sept 9, 2007- the very beginning

What was once shall be again and better.

I am solidily back on the road to recovery. I made a promise to myself and Jonathan to be diligent and consistant, while honoring what I need to do for my body and my mind.

The first thing was overcoming the fear of getting sick again. This has been no small thing for me. As a person who has always had boundless strength and energy it was devastating to get sick and lose that power. The physical difficulties of not being able to get through a few hours of work was one thing, but the emotional impact of not trusting my body and being so afraid of it was horrifyingly traumatic. It has been horrible living with this demon that I cannot escape.

Over the weeks and months I helplessly watched my strength ebb and my body shift from being lean and strong to getting weak and quite overweight. By the time I could stop the backslide I had gained 34# and lost all cardio and all strength- all this in a less than a year, about 9 months or so.The doctors told me I was fine and to go home, patting me on the head. "You don't HAVE to run marathons or triathlons you know". Oh how wrong could they be.

So that was a couple of years ago, and it's taken me to now to finally get my feet solidly back on the ground, physically and emotionally, to rebuild.

The progression will be slow. It has to be. It pains me to mince my way through a workout, but I know that there is no other way. Not only do I need to nurture this frail body, but also rebuild my trust in my own physical self.

Yoga and meditation have been a huge help. This I need to do more of. Time time time... the culprit and the salvation.

Much has been done in the past two years to recreate my work and lifestyle to accommodate a more healthy existance. I have scaled back my work as far as I can go and still keep the lights on. Though scarey financially at first, nothing has been more satisfying. If I had my druthers I would never bake another cake again- but balance is the key- and always has been.

SO- here I go- not to get too bogged down in the history- the story is NOW and forward!

I have started out by promising myself little things. The first thing is to be kind to myself. Sounds simple enough, but endurance athletes do not really have this phrase in their vocabulary. It started out this Summer, just being kind in the basic simple ways. Quality food, quality sleep, quality fun etc. Ultimately this lead to the end of my relationship with Pond- and as sad as that was- it has been a super healthy thing, for both of us.

So now I am trusting myself more to be kind. It was hard at first not to go to the gym and wallop myself with a killer workout. This proved disasterous on two levels. One physically- I was so out of shape and sore! and Two, so depressing.

But perseverance with finding the kind balance is key. Ha ha- so many search for motivation to get out and train, for me it is finding peace with not over training.

So today- 60 minute spin class with Wil. I was not able to keep up with the class entirely. I am training with my hrm these days and trying to keep it within reasonable levels while I rebuild my CV system. It's coming along, I used to be worse. I am feeling less like a fraud and more like an athlete. My mental state is that of one. This might not be the scenic route, but this is the road back and there is no detour. I am sucking up my pride and keeping my head down and focused.

My other goal is to lose this weight. Now that I am studying nutrition there is no excuse. I have put myself on my own plan and so far so good. The basic plan is wholesome natural foods as much as possible. Diet soda once or twice a week- eating only when hungry and only to satisfaction. This also means that I allow myself treats when I desire them- but within moderation and as healthy as possible. There is no out and out restriction and so no feeling of deprivation- this is about treating my body with dignity and honor, not punishing it by saying no. The other thing is I am focusing on losing just 1# a week or so. No push for anything greater than that. If I can stick to this plan/lifestyle, in due time I will be the best, healthiest, strongest woman I've ever been. I am in the process of becoming- and as I keep treating myself with these healthy elements, form will eventually follow function.

This morning I weighed in at 156.8- I started at 158.8 and this is week two- right on track. I need to get in 30 mins minimum of cardio 5-7 days, more like 60 mins. Also strength training and/or yoga. If I was smart I would do yoga first thing, before getting on the computer and wasting time. I am going to try and incorporate that into my schedule. I am learning to prioritize my life- work does NOT come first- I do. Oh is that a tough one...